now, a little more comprehensibly
i left montanita yesterday and arrived in cuenca. back in the mountains now. city is gorgeous, similar to the colonial sector of quito. staying in an artsy cafe/hostal.
wound up here becuase..let´s see. while in montanita i met a great girl from austria with firey orange hair who i had drinks with, and met her friend and her roomate who live in cuenca. on the way to cuenca i ended up being on the same bus as the roomate man. he offered to share a taxi to the centre of town when we arrived. for a few minutes i was extremely confused about what to do while 2 random ladies promoting hotels pounced on me as i got off my bus, handing out cards, trying to show me on a map how to get there, 7 dollars a night, hot water, private bathroom, blah blah, i´m still trying to hoist my backpack onto my back. i see diego(roomate man) walking away so i quickly follow, brushing away the woman with map still in her hand. another man, with a large black hat and a cigarette in his mouth, who i hadn´t realized was also travelling with diego, who, hours earlier in the chaotic terminal at guayaquil had translated something for me at the ticket booth, asked me if i knew where i was staying. no, i say wearily. at the cafecito? that´s a nice place, close to where we live.
so that´s how i wound up here.
sharing a noisy room with a lady from new york.
i unlock the door but avoid turning on the light when i see the lump in her bed.
asleep already? it´s 8 oclock, i think.
second later her head pops up and starts talking to me. she offers to go have a drink with me at the german pub close by
i politely decline. i honestly tell her i have not been feeling very sociable.
why have i turned down so many offers for companionship?
the other night, coincedentally, while checking in to the hotel, florine, (the austrian girl i met in montanita) comes flying into me with a kiss on the cheek. she´s having drinks with her mother right over there. so after i unloaded my stuff i joined them and they invited me to come along to the national park about an hour and a half away, for this morning. her mother even tells me i can have breakfast in her home before hand. and i declined.
why do i have this fear of people? i find myself in a mental juggling act every time an opportunity arises.
and each time, i question about fate.
destiny.

but my experiences in montanita left me completely drained. the initial sense of having found some sort of jackpot faded after a few days. in the end i felt i had been taken advantage of. for this i do not blame anyone but myself though. i saw something i wanted, and i have the chameleon instinct. i want to transform into what i am surrounded by
i spent the last day of the year, as it spilled over into the first day of a new year, struggling to communicate with someone. travel with me, he said. i´ll teach you how to make jewellery. it´s a good life. come on. wet in the rain, kissing strong lips, trying to overtake me. trying to swallow me whole. i pushed, and then gave in, pushed, gave in, until finally i walked away. away from him, past the fiesta on the beach, the crackling fires, the couples giving each other orgasms in the sand, the crowd in the street, the myriad of sound and color pulsating together into one nauseating drink being poured down so many throats. and i layed down on my little mattress and arranged the mosquito net around it. there was nothing inside of me. nothing. anger? no. joy? no. resentment? no. relief? no. i had no energy to feel any of these things. i fell asleep. and i slept for a very long time.

the night before i had dreamt of a friend who i had experienced something very nice with in calgary.
i was excited to see him, as though i had been trying for a long time to lure his presence into my dreams, but i was so disappointed when i saw him. i did not feel what i had hoped i would feel. i was sitting. he approached my side, kneeled down, and asked me, very seriously. what do you want in life? i acted as though i had an answer, that i had only forgotten it, and i would find it later, and tell him.

ah, this place is closing, more to be continued later