i have had the most wonderful days. south america is coming alive! i have been more than content, in these recent weeks, to fill my belly in the market, shovelling down mouthfulls of bland boiled white rice..all the while entranced by the liveliness about me.. no longer do i crave the flavors of north america, no longer do i crave. the sights and smells, all precious small things percieved in greatness. cracked pavement. the flight of a pidgeon. my solitude no longer stands on its own to be percieved..as it merges with the movement of bustling streets.

it is as though my ´self´ has suddenly lost its brooding interest in its own existence, in capturing the dancing shapeshifting shadow figures it sees cast upon the mirror of consciousness by the burning light which without would not exist at all. the weight of all this internal activity has dissipated, and i am..floating, on a wave so pure. the current of life, the silent hand that moves in the leaves of those beautiful creatures we have so defined as ´trees´..to make them dance when i need most be reminded that the same hand moves within me..look up, up into the rustling green breathe, gold shivers of light.


out. in. this distance..i do believe has shortened, that veil becoming thinner, and thinner as days pass and i lose my ambitions


..where as once the undefined world was a cold and untouched being, that i must name, i thought, i must make it one with me. and in the only way this seemed possible- to create forms in which the intimidating vastness of all that lay before might reside, within my being and experience, certain and reliable as a basis to step further on to new truths...
and how painful it is! i thought, this division i must cross back and forth from, between two such different atmospheres, where must i be?


my recent state seems to have been preceded by a sensationless apathy, implacable even on a scale that would run from it´s extremities of positive to negative..i might almost describe this as a detachment from my ordinary orientation of being. no longer focusing my energies in putting into motion those changes in my state of mind i believed so vital, of such importance.


there is one day that shines most brightly to me now, it´s brilliancy penetrating through so many others in my memory. and in my acknowledging it´s insistent glimmer, as those half realized bits of dreams persist in the dawning light that they be completed, i wonder if perhaps something had been surrendered in that moment that i had not quite been aware of,considering it not much more than a rather trivial inconvenience.



it was still early enough in san borja that not a bead of sweat glistened on the brown faces moving about me, the sun´s golden morning rays adorning the grasses and arousing to light the spirit within, spared yet of it´s fierce heat.. and i was leaning against the door frame of the transport company´s office after being called in with the other 2 traveler´s whose origin i am not sure, who were also lingering about the terminal in anticipation of the day long journey ahead, to trinidad. there had been some miscommunication, of some sort, which was not clearly explained to us, but this much was clear to me

no transportation today. it will not be possible. there are no vehicules. tomorrow. tomorrow.


now how should i explain myself? there was something particularly dreadful, or should i say, there was a potentiality in that information to be particularly dreadful, on that day, under those precise circumstances, and in that town-frequented by any foreigners only for the purpose of breaking up the impossibly long distance between rurrenabaque and trinidad in bolivia´s tropical beni province...something particularly upsetting that i cannot quite in words give reason to..

i sensed a dark, heavy thing hung suspended above me, waiting for my reaction, which in turn would be its command, and i lingered briefly, between those two worlds..of time and timelessness, then slipped away, with near not a thought in my head, nor a twitch in my body that might signal reproach. and i saw the dark, heavy thing fall upon the other 2 and enclose them in misery....

and..that bed, that sad little bed with not a pillow nor set of sheets to disguise its meager offering as a place of rest, crammed in a room with 4 others, identical save for the bodies of each misshaped by human weight in slightly different forms.
i layed in that bed and dreamt. i lay still, and thought once or twice, i could sense the heaviness of time, spying on me, testing me, and my muscles jerked, once or twice, in its presence, but i would not let go, i would not be invaded or possessed by this illusory entity...i dont believe in you, i said, you have caused me great unhappiness... my concentration fixed on that of the gentle quivering motions speaking in syllables of light in midday heat, punctuating glory of my being.


i am in san borja today...i am in san borja forever, forever, forever


and that is it, do you see? this is what i´m trying to say.


san borja forever. and embedded in the palm of that day as i watched it unfold its infinite fingers, stretching across the planes of the universe in great tumbling waves, was, paradoxically, an awareness of the very impermanence of it.



i felt then i was at mercy to the wind, for my mind alone cannot, for its calculated desires, sprout limbs to move across this space, to put under its command the forces of nature..maybe this is what sorcerers do, but i do not wish to be a sorcerer..i am in this moment forever bound to the rising and settling dust, of the breathe of grazing cattle. desire for anything more than this has escaped me...

but that is not to say i do not want, because without this i am not sure what i might make out of this existence, but that is a different kind of want, a want not of the mind. it is here, at the centre of my chest, in my heart whose rhythm is timeless, and does not speak the logistical language of the mind..

this want is one with that of the hand..and for this i need not worry myself...because i know, in my silent prayer, i am connected.

goodnight.

OHMYGOD TITANIC IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER