dear cynthia

awoke to a new day. felt like a free day, the way the sun shines a certain way, when i dont have to go to work. i can roll and stretch and kick the blankets off the bed. get up, the sound of a my body on bare feet, shifting weight creaking floors. dizzy moment of good morning blinded by sunlight in our bare kitchen window. we never did buy curtains for it. glinting green of fruit bowl and my rotting pear. hairy couch mis-strewn blanket and cluttered coffeetable of the kensington flea market remember your tiny fingers pulling the bill from your wallet your cds iggypopdevils face loosening spinesof rolling stones books dusty covers my tea bags always forgetting them chai spice soaked through rippedopen packets and attached to surfaces forming brownsticky patterns of india through the night. running tap water, minutes before its cold. stroke sylvans back as she jumps up, whiskers shedding hair damp nose glittering eyes voicecode of cataffectionate language coos. sticks her tongue under the running water, slapping breaking up the stream like a drill. pick up a dirty glass from the counter, there never were clean ones the day after they got washed. the ugly fraying carpet and dirty painted white floors. rice grains and some lostspaghetti stiff and dry litter hidden corners. i swept once.

fill the glass, turn off the tap. gulp it down with one hand gripping the counter swirls of faded retro orange, sylvan jumps thump scampers away. i miss that cat. back into bed, i can lay my head at the other end, next to the window. and let my feet climb the sloping ceiling my hand slap against the wall and touch eggshell paint sigh fingers gingerly tracing the window sill flop. and feel the silent motion of all things illuminated. my chest rising and falling, snowflakes of light of skin. vibration between my lips, hum a line sigh. free day. look. sometimes i would see all the things like they were alive, the air space like god particles vibrating open pores of my physical senses and searching no response.

probably, my favorite thing in this whole world.

is light.

and the way i remember our house, my home for those 6 months, is in all the different forms it took in different light, shifting scenes, in varying forms lamplight and sunlight. all your different vintage lamps, the moodsemotions felt. what conversations we had moodemotions displayed on face and soulspirit in your eyes.your twisting hand on lens when it felt right and looked good.



today my free day, perhaps it feels so because i´ve really got no home. wonder why then, every other day it feels like i´ve got stuff i´m obligated to do, things to be found, mind to be mastered. my backpack is being stored in a dark room locked with a key and i am floating around town. my bus leaves at 730. 10 and a half hours overnight to chachapoyas. into the highlands.

celebrated myself last night, sure, at least those were my intentions. the cake was dry crumbling black from a box. thick icing licked off my fingertips. she didnt include a fork. more and more made me stomach feel bad. cheap wine that cost me oh, around the equivalent of 3 dollars i think. watched some fireworks being set off somewhere on balta probably, past the plaza. sizzling red and gold. lingering smoke hanging in the air at the finale. ghost stuck in the sky wanting to see more of this life before it all gets blown away. in quito jackie taught me how to say i´m learning to love myself. never did have to use that phrase, forgotten it now. later i found a better way to express what i felt. i figured out how to say i´m scared. translated exactly its i have fear. same with hunger, in spanish, you´re not hungry. you have hunger. so i´ve learned that to love myself means to love the fact that i am, really, nothing more. and every moment i am awake i can love. intuition, it always seemed, was that ´thing´i was missing, that link to the external world. but now i´m beginning to think, that for me, intuition is being able to sense different directions within my mind. knowing which attitudes lead where. the roads are all becoming better defined. i can feel my way through the maze to find the light, the perspective of love.

i

am

being experiencing being.

its incredible, the mind.
and so is this journey.