Heart sick-heal me! i place a palm on my chest, it cries out.

she searches for what she thinks lies beneath, what makes the lump in her chest . she searches for what is wrong.
now, truly lost
she looks for clues.

i cannot see straight!I listen to my thoughts. they tell me to listen to my heart instead
i listen to my heart and it continues to moan. i can´t stand it any longer

now the sky is a myriad of colors. the moon a thumbnail clipping. the waves of the sea are an irridescent blue.

once again i feel myself lost in speech. my breath leaves my body. i am gone, fighting for a way back to my body. now i want it to be over. now i want to be alone. now i am pushing as i am pulled further from my home. i am scared. i will give nothing away.
how can i give? when i have lost my body. now that i have no strength. no power.

there are moments when All flashes before my eyes, flickers and dies.
a gust of smoke filled wind passes through me,
and i can see something
enormous.
for one moment.
i can see limitlessly
intimitated, of course! every possibility, just how open. this life could be.
but i blink.
i feel so far away from it
so far from Love
i see his face, staring back at me
i don´t trust it.

waves of thought rush up on to shore. what is there? when the sea takes a deep breath in
and clasps it tired hands together
to rest in its lap?
now all has shifted, the sand has a new face
what i was looking at, just a moment before
has completely rearranged itself

but nothing is lost. for this is not possible.
you contain all.
you forget this.
this is the nature of things, to pass in and out of awareness.

her face obeys her thoughts very well. now she frowns, and looks up from her page. eyes squinted, very puzzled.

"show me my face!" she cries. she tries to see herself in everything, and in doing so sees nothing.
She is tempted by mirrors.
again and again, she is thrown upon the sand by violent waves of thought.
but her eyes burn with salt, and she cannot see
that she walks upon the sand that contains the sea.

i feel clumsy, groggy. i am a child in this home.
deaf, dumb, and mute.
speak they say, speak. i squirm in my skin. speak.
there is no life in my hand. i´ve hidden it all away,
afraid it might give my hand the power to take.
it could get slapped!
afraid life might give my hand the power to give
it might give away something i need!
and so it hands by my side, waiting for someone to take it.
my hand only wants to obey.
everything is bouncing, there is no order
i am confused
i wait.
when i hear a knock at the door i wait
i am closest. all eyes in the room turn toward me
still i wait, holding my breath
then the mother says
open the door
so i open it.
and then i exhale. because it´s over
but i fear the next moment
now you offer to pay, now you offer your chair to the little girl, so she can eat her meal, out of a styrophome box. now you offer your drink. no, not this way. you pass it to him. now stand here. now dance. with my breath out of order, i look for the moment of exhalation in others, latch on, and try to remain standing. hoping the currents of their thoughts
will bring me to some place
wonderful

did i hear him right?
i thought i heard him call out doll as i walked past
is he right? i feel sick. i can see it. my sparkly eyes swimming in space. the fearful smile, plastered to my face
he knows
do they not experience this dance too?

i am acting in a play, confusedly looking for the director, wanting to say, hey look. i don´t want to be an actor anymore. stop writing. i want real life now.
silly. forgetting there is no other director than myself.
i pick out an audience, i choose my members based on the way they look. i do this without even thinking. and then their faces haunt me. my ego attaches itself to their eyes, looking outward
and i can never find peace in their presence
are my eyes closed? why can´t i see anything?
what´s happening? am i really here? alive in this life?

she feels she has told many lies.
and feels guilty, for agreeing with him. the boy from toronto.
that wasn´t what i think at all.
she feels her face has told many more lies
she searches her dreams. her memories
for something that is real
but everything feels the same, everything waiting to be found

how can i answer a question
that i don´t belong to?
how does the universe fit
into the tiny space
between you.and me.
how can i lay upon this table
something entirely different
from what you have set upon it

how can i peel away the layers
to find the seed
that bears the fruit

i must return to the earth.